stuck...

so... i've been feeling stuck lately. I don't know how exactly to move on from where I am. because of this, I've been getting cranky and moody alot. I don't like not having a plan. ANY plan is better than no plan in my eyes. but yet, I simply cannot figure out what I want to do with my life. It's like... I've been planning for a life that might not be meant for me. Hell, I've been wanting to be a mother and a wife since I can remember. And now I'm wondering if I will ever get married. I would love to, don't get me wrong. But I see so many problems with people getting married, and people marrying because it's "the right thing to do" where in reality it is definitly NOT for the right reasons/the right time. That scares me. I don't want to do that. I want be be independent and have my own life. Once you have kids... that's pretty much it. If you don't want to completely screw them up, you have no choice but to abandon any hopes/dreams you had out of the realm of familyhood in order to put them first. for fricken 18+ years! If you have 3 kids, 3 years apart, that's fricken 24 years of your life at least. all devoted to raising the next generation. Maybe it's selfish, but I want to be able to do what I want. Go where I want. See the world before having kids. Yet, if I do this, it is seen as being selfish and our bodies punish us by not cooperating when we finally decide we're ready for a baby. my mom was considered "old" having me when she was 28. and it's a fact that having children after 35 is dangous for the baby as well as the mom. So you can have kids and give up your dreams, not have kids at all, or adopt/foster at an older age. sorry... that kinda turned into a rant. that isn't even the point of this post... wow...


before I go on, let me comment that the picture above does not really make sense to me in terms of being "stuck" but it came up when I typed it into google and I liked it. :)
ANYWAYS! I have been feeling really disconnected to everyone lately. Maybe it's the fact that this is the first year I haven't had a tie to a ton of people or lived off campus. Sure, I have my friends and roommates. But most of the time, my roommates or I am gone so we never see each other, and my other friends are too far away to drive here since the "gas crisis." So my only contact with the outside world is Nathan, and as much as I love him, he's not a girl (thank god) and you can't spend 24/7 with ANYONE. you tend to go crazy. Luckily, this week I've seen some other people. I caught up with some friends from FPU and went to a concert for choir/band. And although there are people who drove me crazy in both, I really do miss the atmosphere of being in a group. I miss living on campus and seeing my friends whenever I felt like it, and I miss feeling part of a bigger group - one where if i was sick of someone for the day, I could just go hang out with someone else. Now, I feel like I have to plan everything out days in advance for anything to work, and when the day comes to it, if I don't feel like hanging out or am too tired, I just am out of luck. better luck next week. It's frustrating. Man, I am not really saying anything in this post, I'm sorry. The point is, I feel like I could take my life in a couple directions. I could embrace the life I have now, or I could try to connect with something again. I've considered doing the yearbook or rejoining choir (after a few people are gone that is...) that would get me on campus at least. I've also thought about joining a sorority. I've actually always wanted to join on and feel I would actually like it (depending on the sorority of course.) there's a couple good ones at state i've heard of that aren't too crazy about parties. Well... We'll see what happens. If anyone has any ideas for which direction I should take or imput at all... let me know. as of now, I'm completely at a loss.