**warning - rambling may occur**

I am really frustrated right now. i had a better intro, but it got deleted.. so deal with it. :) ck at school cause your boyfriend took your car to get to HIS school and it's raining outside and you're upset... am I rambling... no...

so... today a really retarded speaker was at my class... meaning i could have skipped it and not come to school on my bike. but now i'm here, so there was no reason to go home before my next class (anatomy) which i HAVE to go to cause that class really confuses me. maybe i should study it... nah. anyways, he was talking about how "animals are just like people and to eat them is like eating a human and we would never eat a human so the idea that we would eat animals is disgusting and wrong and we should all become vegans." that pretty much sums him up. so i left after about 5 minutes. I'm not going to sit through a lecture that wastes my time. it's not even gonna be on the test. so i should go why...?

Me and nathan are having a disagreement. It's really frustrating because our problems are always ALWAYS about the same fricken thing. Katie. I want to strangle her, but i can't because that's mean and wrong. I'm about to say screw it and just punch her. Even if i get in trouble, i think it would be worth it. I am trying SO FRICKEN HARD to be the better person, but that backstabbing bitch makes me want to ram her head through a wall. can you tell i'm a little bitter? she's ridiculous and a liar and a very good manipulator, so the only way nathan can see his best friend is if she's there. retarded? i think so. Honestly, i'm considering breaking up with nathan simply so i never have to deal with her ever again. that's how much i detest this girl. Simply writing about her is getting me really angry. I was considering after school today biking down, walking up to her, and punching her in the face and then walking away. would it solve anything? probably not. but would it make me feel alot better. you betcha.

does that make me a horrible person? probably. as of now, i really don't care. Oh, and his friends hate me too. so I can't even gain ground with them so that they will stop hanging out with katie and start hanging out with me. maybe that's a little too far. she can have friends... i just don't want to know about it. I would be estatic if she simply moved to a different state or country even and I never heard her name ever again.

part of me wonders if this will ever end. If i'm going to have to live in his friends shadow forever, I'm not sure i want to be in his life either. it would be alot easier if i didn't have a boyfriend. He does take up pretty much all of my time. but then i think about how he makes me laugh and is always willing to do whatever it takes to cheer me up and even when i start freaking out (kinda like now) he will do anything he can to calm me down. And i don't want him to not have friends besides me (which he is pretty much doing now besides the few times he sees katie, brandon and the bitch.) I just don't want it to include HER, ya know?

I don't think i'm over the fact that he cheated. that kills me every time i think about it. I kinda wonder if it will happen again. He has assured me it never will and has really gone to all lengths to prove that to me, but still. Part of me wonders if i will ever fully forgive him. I don't hold grudges. it's just with her. I don't trust him with her. that's what it comes down to. I'm really terrified that he will drink a few beers, have some fun, and end up sleeping with her while i'm at home. I don't think i could take that. I literally think i would fall apart if he did that to me. Yet i have no real reason to think he ever would. He loves me and i know that from his actions as well as his words. He's so sweet and amazing. so why am i so scared? I think i'm secretly keeping part of my heart from him just in case he tears it apart again. the first time about killed me.

I'll be ok. I need to focus on simply being ok not being with him. and letting him do what he wants. If i think about it. If he wants to cheat, he'll find a way to cheat. I can't stop him by trying to be around him 24/7. All that does is smother him. So... ok. I'm going to start trusting him more. Maybe I won't trust him at first, but I'll at least keep it to myself and eventually (with alot of time) we'll get better. sounds like a plan.

tomorrow's halloween and I'm being a sexy referee. i'm excited. the costume was pretty cheap and nathan is being a lacrosse player, so it'll be cute. I'm excited for our party. even if no one comes (which it's kinda looking like right now.) well fine, a triple date will be just as much fun. and more booze for me! haha.